Premature Ejaculation
Now that I have your attention, read all about it in Deciphering Dudes Dot.Com.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Time Passages
"The only time time is long is when I am trying to sleep."
So sayeth my friend, the building superintendent where I live. He just turned 70 this year and I was asking him about time. My thought is the older we get, the closer we get in age to our older relatives and friends. For example, my oldest first cousin has twelve years on me, but it feels closer to five now when it felt like decades when I was younger. To what do I owe this thought? I am not really sure. Another perfect example is 9/11. 9/11 feels like yesterday because it is so permanently etched in my fabric. It's hard to believe we're coming up on its fifth anniversary. So, I considered my friend's profound quote. I thought about my odd sleeping patterns and the relevancy of his wisdom to my very own life. Some nights I manage to get only a few hours sleep. I have a million things on my mind. I don't know what to do with myself. I am utterly restless. Other nights, I can catch eight hours or more... But, it doesn't seem to matter. My friend, in fact, is right. Our days -- as evidenced by my revelations about 9/11 and my cousin -- go by in a flash. It's only when I sleep that things slow down. It's only when I sleep that I can enjoy (perhaps on a superficial level) the passing of time. During my awaking hours, time flies. They used to say, "Time flies when you're having fun." I'm not sure about that one, but I am sure that time flies. Maybe now is the time we have to consider how precious our hourglasses are, and the fact that we can make as much out of time while we are awake as when we sleep.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Ike Farts
If there's anything in the world you want to avoid at all costs more than anything else, it's Ike Farts. Ike Farts are the equivalent of bombing Hiroshima. In fact, he doesn't just clear a room, he clears a whole house. Then, he's so proud of himself that he usually sticks his nose back there to smell the damage. Meanwhile, I am putting a wet towel over my face as if to protect myself from pepper spray. I think you guys get the picture.
So, it will come as no surprise to you that the damn dog, who I love more than anything in the world, put me in the most compromising position today. You see, I had to take him to the vet for some bullshit stuff, and I found myself alone in t he waiting room with this really pretty young girl and her cat. The waiting room has two sides, one for cats and one for dogs, but she was on our side anyway. I wasn't sitting down but a few minutes when Ike's stomach roared, and his ass went into action. The SBD (silent but deadly) had been launched. It was nauseating. I didn't know what to do. Fearing the girl would think it was me, I couldn't take any chances.
"Awwww, Ike," I moaned, emphasizing my displeasure with him. "Let's go outside."
By this point, I hope the girl will realize it wasn't me. I take Ike outside and he promptly, matter-of-factly does his business.
When we walk back inside, the girl looks at me as if to shame me. She takes her kitty box and walks to the kitty side of the waiting area. I am completely humiliated, and good old Ike couldn't care less.
So, it will come as no surprise to you that the damn dog, who I love more than anything in the world, put me in the most compromising position today. You see, I had to take him to the vet for some bullshit stuff, and I found myself alone in t he waiting room with this really pretty young girl and her cat. The waiting room has two sides, one for cats and one for dogs, but she was on our side anyway. I wasn't sitting down but a few minutes when Ike's stomach roared, and his ass went into action. The SBD (silent but deadly) had been launched. It was nauseating. I didn't know what to do. Fearing the girl would think it was me, I couldn't take any chances.
"Awwww, Ike," I moaned, emphasizing my displeasure with him. "Let's go outside."
By this point, I hope the girl will realize it wasn't me. I take Ike outside and he promptly, matter-of-factly does his business.
When we walk back inside, the girl looks at me as if to shame me. She takes her kitty box and walks to the kitty side of the waiting area. I am completely humiliated, and good old Ike couldn't care less.
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Down and Out Dudes
It has been a long time since anyone asked the Dudes any questions... However, the traffic to the Blog remains steady. Please encourage your friends to stop on by, ask me a question (anonymously if they want to), and we'll be happy to answer. Otherwise, look for fresh, original material starting every day next week. Happy Blogging Season!
Your friends at Deciphering Dudes Dot.Com
Your friends at Deciphering Dudes Dot.Com
About Dr. J
SUBTITLE: 'AND I THOUGHT I COULD PUT ONE PAST YOU'
Dr. J was a nice enough woman, I suppose, if only she would have given me a chance to know her better. I got the hint things weren't going anywhere when she snubbed me by not calling the day of David's funeral. She could have at least called that day. My late grandfather was very stern about the old adage 'If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, don't say anything at all.' I think I'll leave it at that. All this crap leaves several questions unanswered. How can you go out with someone a few times and then they just don't call you again? How do you know what, if anything, you did wrong? Aren't we supposed to try to learn from and/or remedy our mistakes? Isn't 'communication' supposed to be one of the key ingredients to any successful relationship? How can we develop these relationships when one party doesn't even tell the other what he/she did wrong? Is honesty -- especially at the beginning of a relationship -- too much to ask for these days? Just some food for thought on a drizzly Friday here in Cleveland-land.
Dr. J was a nice enough woman, I suppose, if only she would have given me a chance to know her better. I got the hint things weren't going anywhere when she snubbed me by not calling the day of David's funeral. She could have at least called that day. My late grandfather was very stern about the old adage 'If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, don't say anything at all.' I think I'll leave it at that. All this crap leaves several questions unanswered. How can you go out with someone a few times and then they just don't call you again? How do you know what, if anything, you did wrong? Aren't we supposed to try to learn from and/or remedy our mistakes? Isn't 'communication' supposed to be one of the key ingredients to any successful relationship? How can we develop these relationships when one party doesn't even tell the other what he/she did wrong? Is honesty -- especially at the beginning of a relationship -- too much to ask for these days? Just some food for thought on a drizzly Friday here in Cleveland-land.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
How Phone Books Taunt Us
Phone books, like the ones we have 'stored' in our phones can taunt and tantalize every single one of us. I, for one, get so caught up in having names and numbers in my book that I forget to purge old numbers. This reminds me of People Purging, a pastime I am celebrating once again this time of year. The old numbers in my phone book represent ex-girlfriends, the restaurants where we used to go together, work associates I no longer associate with, people I can't even recall and places I want to forget. How's that for a list? So, why do we keep these numbers stored? I think it's a game we play with ourselves to fool ourselves into believing we're more important than we actually are. (Think: He with the most toys wins) If that's so, my delusions of self-grandeur have reached an epoch proportion, and someone has to reign in my damn ego. I have hundreds of names and numbers in my phone, and dozens of names and e-mail addresses in my Hotmail Address Book. What have I done? I am besieged by the people, places and things I once 'coveted'. Alas, I know why I have most of these numbers there. It's the same reason I am a self-proclaimed 'pack rat'. I have to hang on to bits of the past. So, forgive me if I see Dr. J's number in the phone, or the number of the restaurant where I proposed to my ex-fiance, or the number of a building inspector in a city where I no longer do business. These aren't numbers I will likely ever dial again. But, I keep them there to remind me of bits and pieces of my past. For better or worse, those numbers take me to a place and/or time that are part of me. Eventually, as I am doing right now, I purge the numbers. I cleanse myself of the urge to call. I move on. For in the end, the numbers won't do any of us any good anyway if there is nothing or no one important at the end of the line.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Idiot Haiku Friday Volume V
Hey, y'all bloggers out in Blog-land! It has been two months since our last installment of Haiku Friday. Hell, some of you weren't even born back then. So, without further ado, I present Haiku Friday Volume V;
I blogged about fish,
and an old sweet summer sweat.
Give me some honey.
The girl in the store
wore mittens to evade snow.
I like ice cream cones.
On a starry night,
should I really call her now?
I need a new car.
Haiku gets better
with the spring flowers full bloom.
My baseball team sucks.
I am not kidding..
The dog really ate homework.
I eat octopus.
I have a booger
that dries in the summer sun.
The fat guy sweats loads.
The girl wore a blouse
because she was smoking hot.
I cry in movies.
The dog licks his balls
and rolls in the fucking snow.
Armpit hair smells bad.
My foot is asleep.
My girlfriend is pissed at me.
I mow the green lawn.
Holy mackerel!
caught on a blistering day...
Ugly mole on her!
Does Jesus save me?
or is the autumn divine?
My trainer is nuts.
Who the hell are you?
Do you really like winter?
Where is my phone book?
My ugly girlfriend -
beats yours on a summer day.
I really need love.
I blogged about fish,
and an old sweet summer sweat.
Give me some honey.
The girl in the store
wore mittens to evade snow.
I like ice cream cones.
On a starry night,
should I really call her now?
I need a new car.
Haiku gets better
with the spring flowers full bloom.
My baseball team sucks.
I am not kidding..
The dog really ate homework.
I eat octopus.
I have a booger
that dries in the summer sun.
The fat guy sweats loads.
The girl wore a blouse
because she was smoking hot.
I cry in movies.
The dog licks his balls
and rolls in the fucking snow.
Armpit hair smells bad.
My foot is asleep.
My girlfriend is pissed at me.
I mow the green lawn.
Holy mackerel!
caught on a blistering day...
Ugly mole on her!
Does Jesus save me?
or is the autumn divine?
My trainer is nuts.
Who the hell are you?
Do you really like winter?
Where is my phone book?
My ugly girlfriend -
beats yours on a summer day.
I really need love.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Genes vs. Jeans
I am officially baffled, and I almost feel sorry for you women out there. It seems the fashion industry has really decided that your genes equal your jeans. I was shocked the other day when I walked by Limited Express and saw a jeans display in the window featuring just three sizes this season: skinny, regular and curvy. Skinny jeans? Turns out they're the newest rage in a bunch of different stores/brands. They were written about in today's New York Times. They are the phatest fad out there. So, what about women who can't fit in these 'hip' skinny jeans? I'm told skinny jeans come in all different sizes. Is that to make you feel better if you aren't actually skinny? Plus, if that's the case, and women are just after skinny jeans, why even bother with regular or curvy? This is crazy business. And men are not immune to this whole thing, either. GAP is offering 'slim' jeans to men. Look, guys, I am not that slim these days. Mentally, I'd love to buy 'slim' jeans, but would it really change my body type? Hell no. Exercise and diet are the only real way to change our genes and our jeans these days.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
ANOTHER POP QUIZ
WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR ELVIS TO COME BACK? HOW WOULD YOU REACT?
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
My Best Question Yet?
Just wondering. If we men get pussy-whipped, what do you women get?
Also, remember to check out my other blog, Deciphering Dudes Dot.Com, for a closer look on how men and women relate to each other -- from this dude's point of view. Updated frequently!
Also, remember to check out my other blog, Deciphering Dudes Dot.Com, for a closer look on how men and women relate to each other -- from this dude's point of view. Updated frequently!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Another Look at Looks...
Recently, I have asked you about what certain looks mean. For instance, I asked what it meant when a total stranger smiled at you. Now, I have another situation I think most of us can relate to.
How many times do you find yourself stopped in traffic looking at the person next to you? Better yet, how often does that person turn and notice you noticing them? Or, do you ever speed up next to someone to get a closer look? Do you play cool by pretending to be on your phone? Have you ever rolled down your window and tried to talk to a stranger? Have you ever followed someone for an extended period of time just to look at them (okay, so this is called stalking, but I had to ask!)?
In the end, what is it that makes us want to look at all the drivers around us anyway, especially if we hate the way they are driving in the first place?
How many times do you find yourself stopped in traffic looking at the person next to you? Better yet, how often does that person turn and notice you noticing them? Or, do you ever speed up next to someone to get a closer look? Do you play cool by pretending to be on your phone? Have you ever rolled down your window and tried to talk to a stranger? Have you ever followed someone for an extended period of time just to look at them (okay, so this is called stalking, but I had to ask!)?
In the end, what is it that makes us want to look at all the drivers around us anyway, especially if we hate the way they are driving in the first place?
About me
- I'm Nigel Vossap
- From Cleveland, Ohio
I am Ike, a ten-year-old Rottweiler who just relocated to South Florida with my trusty owner, Eric. Together, the two of us are soaking in the sun and chasing some of the finest .... well, you know.
CLICK TO LEARN MORE ABOUT NIGEL VOSSAP
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Good 'Ol Stuff
My Sordid Past
- An Allegorical Life (Kat)
- Bits and Pieces (Josie)
- Dear NonBullshitting Diary (Jackass Jenn)
- In a Sense...Lost (Zambo)
- Letters to the Universe (Missy)
- Life and How to Live It (Rachel)
- Milk and Honey (Mere)
- My Scattered Thoughts (Me)
- Recovering, Bi-Polar, Once Down and Out 20-Year-Old (Lowry)
- why ask why me? (Question Girl)